In 2014, I had a breakdown.
For almost 4 years, I had lived with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt that I needed to have all the answers and when I didn’t, I wasn’t good enough and I beat myself up for being useless.
I was anxious all day, every day. I didn’t sleep well, I struggled to eat, I couldn’t think straight, and I spent my days at work just passing the time, never doing anything productive.
I was desperate for someone to come along and take all of my problems away for me.
I was part of a supportive church community that I felt I couldn’t turn to – I was a failure and why would they want to help me?
Instead, I got entangled in an unhealthy romantic relationship.
I was living on eggshells. Trying to keep an outward appearance of having it all together, whilst inside I was falling apart. I lost weight and my head was foggy.
I started having conversations with my Aunty (Deb, who is also a part of the CIC!). She began to share with me a simple understanding that helped me to see through my problems. It opened my mind to new possibilities and allowed me to leave behind the trauma of the working environment I had been in.
I began to see a new way of living was possible.
I became aware of thoughts that were infiltrating my mind that I did not need to pay attention to. No-one had ever told me before that I did not need to listen to, or act from, any thought in my head.
When I had attended church, I had felt like I was letting God down, this just added more pressure.
What I now see is that life isn’t all on my shoulders.
Universal energy (that I like to call God) actually works in my favour.
I have an internal guidance system – a little bit like a sat-nav. This is my personal wisdom, and we all have innate wisdom that we can trust. You might know it as intuition or gut instinct.
Understanding my mind has impacted my life in many ways; some obvious, others the more mundane.
In 2014 I was in an unhealthy romantic relationship. I now have a loving partner, and we have a happy, healthy relationship. We have a ton of fun together and are genuinely kind to each other. It is extremely rare that we fall out and I am aware of any thoughts I have that might, in the past, have caused an argument. I don’t need to listen to them. I cannot tell you how much easier that makes our relationship.
(I am not sure if he would admit it out loud, but the same goes for my partner!)
I have a much lighter experience of my day-to-day life. Every day ordinary tasks in life are full of fun and I enjoy them. I never knew that was possible!
I used to have a panic-inducing fear of dogs. I no longer do, there are 3 dogs in my family, and I have no fear around them at all anymore.
In 2017, I passed my driving test, something I never thought I would achieve. Previously I had been too anxious and failed multiple times. Even talking about driving lessons would have me breaking into a sweat. These days, I zip up and down the motorway (I live in North Devon and have close family in the Midlands) and nip around the country lanes here too without any hesitation or anxiety.
I live my life following my heart, with confidence in myself. I have a clear mind; I sleep well and have energy to face my day. I used to be exhausted all the time and sick on a regular basis. I have a healthy, happy body now.
I trust myself, and I trust in life, the innate wisdom that we all have.
Wouldn’t this be an amazing gift to give to others too?
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